I’m sadistic, I know, but I find it totally enjoyable to hear about overwhelming parenting moments that happen to my husband when I’m not around. Maybe it’s because being a stay at home mom for 13 of the last 15 years, I’ve handled a good majority of these moments on my own? Whatever the reason, this story brought me great delight…
I was in Chicago this past weekend for a BlogHer conference, so my husband was a full-time dad on duty to our three kids. They were all going to come visit me after the conference to do some sight seeing after he met with a client for work. In order to cut down on drive time, he brought the kids to work with him and parked them in his office while he went to his meeting.
Afterwards they all piled into the car and our 5 year old son was asleep before they hit the highway. While traveling down I-90, which is notoriously always under construction with cement barricades on each side of a way-too-tight two lanes, my son woke up complaining that he had to go potty. With no where to pull off, my husband told my son to hold it and promised he’d find a place to stop as soon as possible. According to my girls, my son was crying, and shouting “The pressure! I’m going to wet my pants! I can’t take the pressure!”
Turns out, unbeknownst to my husband, my son had drank about a quart of lemonade from the mini-fridge in my husband’s office…
As soon as possible, my husband pulled off the highway, just in the nick time. My son barely made it out of his booster seat before he whipped his wee willie winkie out and let loose on the side of the road. (The joy of being a boy!) With the horrendous pressure relieved, they carried on.
A little while later, while on the Eisenhower, in the middle of a not-so-nice part of town, stuck in three lanes of bumper to bumper traffic, my son was back in his emergency potty state. My husband was weighing out the options of leaving the girls alone in a bad neighborhood while he took our son to the bathroom or bringing them (ages 11 and 15) into the men’s room with him. Realizing that both options had major flaws and that he would be stuck in traffic for a while, he passed an empty Starbucks Frappuccino bottle back to our son and said, “pee in this.”
To hear the girls tell the next part of the story was hilarious! My son managed to shimmy out of his pants while in his booster seat, but his “stem” was sticking straight up. “I don’t know how to do it,” he said. My husband, while driving glanced back and laughed asking my 11 year old daughter if she could help. Bless her adventurous heart.
He returned his eyes to the road for a moment, then glancing back to see the bottle upside down, with my son’s beans and frank jammed inside like a ship in a bottle. The pee was hitting the bottom of the bottle, which was at that moment the top, and running down the sides like one of those lemonade fountain things you’ve seen at convenience stores. It was pooling around the opening of the bottle, the only thing keeping it from leaking was the seal of the bottle against my son’s body.
Fearing a monstrous mess, he told my son to unbuckle and stand up, while instructing our daughter to help him turn the bottle over so the pee didn’t leak out while he wiggled out of the seat. She was a good sport but was complaining about it being gross and uncomfortably warm.
They managed to get the bottle turned over, our son’s boyhood parts extracted from the opening, and the cap screwed on tight. They both quickly strapped back into their seat belts since they were still creeping along in traffic. Not wanting to waste time buckling up, my husband told my son to sit in his booster seat without pants, which all three kids thought was hilarious.
I strongly believe that having a little brother has been a good thing for our girls. It’s taken away ALL the mystery about the male anatomy. It has also provided quite the parenting training ground. They will be well equipped for handling their own parenting moments of stress.
And as for my husband; I tip my hat off to him for passing the dad on duty test with flying colors, once again!